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Monday, March 21, 2011

SPIN DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE!

Dewan RakyatOur  house the Dr. Stole
 By Howl Pillai


We got it  all wrong again !  Now even a houseman can tell that millions in this country are sick and tired, as the Doctor should have been  in the Hospital and the Rakyat in the House.

 After all it is our House,  and to think our only living ex -PM stole our Dewan Rakyat from us! 

In response you say, “What about Abdulla Badawi ?” 

No! No! No!,  he is not really an ex –PM, he is more correctly our axed Prime Minister, axed by the ex -PM. 

Come to think about it, the ex -DPM of black eye fame was also axed by this ex –PM,  and so too Musa and Ghafar, ex -DPMs,  were also axed by this ex -PM. 

Notice how  the current PM is trying his best to axe for good the ex – DPM, most Malaysians believe  the ex -PM is also behind this. 

Malaysian politics as you can see, is full of axes and exs. 

Occasionally a keris shows up out of the blue, this happens when someone or other announces he wants to be PM and in the fullness of time, an ex -PM himself,  well that is another story altogether.
So do ex-ercise ex-treme  caution when reading the Doctor’s memoirs, be also on the look out for events that have been conveniently axed or "can't remember", plenty, including the “Poison” label.

Next note that survey after survey shows that Malaysians are notoriously poor readers, at the rate of 50 pages per year, most Malaysians will take all of 17 years to complete this 843 page book, and since it is the older folk who have reportedly bought the book, many will die while reading it.
Poor souls! If you have aged parents or elderly neighbours  do them a favour, tell them to stop reading it. 

And we all know life here is full of ironies, here is the doctor who pushed through the change in the medium of instruction in our schools and universities from English to Bahasa Melayu against all good advice and  today millions of Malaysians cannot string together a proper sentence in English let alone read a passage in his memoirs with full comprehension, that means they are “misunderstanding” all the time. 

One of these days an MP will say that to reduce the ironies of our life, we must cut back on foods containing iron. Did you not notice our ministers often say ‘they have been misunderstood’ whenever they run into trouble ? 

Now you know why! The Doctor will no doubt claim the same  when his memoirs are attacked for political lying. How convenient!

And yet more ironies abound. The translation rights of the book into Bosnian, Albanian, Chinese (via the Peoples Republic Of China) and Bahasa Melayu are being negotiated. 

We gave the Bosnians a big hand in their hour of need, so Bosnian is understandable.
Albania is best remembered for its late Communist dictator, Enver Hoxha who ran his country to ground,so Albanian is also understandable. 

Chinese is also perfectly understandable, both the PRC and Malaysia have a similar agenda - keeping the Chinese population under tight control.

BUT, yes, but, translation into Bahasa Melayu ? It beats me and it should beat you ! Why did this advocate of all things Malay not write his memoirs in Bahasa Melayu ? Not your mother tongue? Proud of being Malay? Come, Come.....Why not call it “Doktor Dalam Rumah”?. Then we can ask : Rumah Siapa ? I am waiting with glee for the BM version!

And then there is this matter of what he would have done if he had declared himself PM -for -Life in 2004. A half dozen nightmares come to mind............

1) In a move to try and win the pissing war with LKY, the crooked bridge would have been built. Promptly he will call it the world’s longest crooked bridge and leave you wondering how a crooked bridge is actually measured. Crookedly?

2) The Third Link to Penang, a bridge to Pangkor,  and three  even longer bridges to Tioman Langkawi and Sumatara would have been built or plans laid out for them. The cronied- classes will find all this a mouth watering prospect. Some will choke on their own saliva and die. Their companies will be compensated handsomely for ‘loss of potential income’ ala our expressways contracts.

3) He would have raised enough funds with strings attached all the way to the purses of his kuncus and kakis to undertake the mother-of-all mega projects, cutting the Isthmus of Kra. He will insist the peninsular be henceforth be called Pulau Melayu disproving the adage that no man is an island! At his suggestion the new seaway’s official name -The Malaysia Boleh Canal.

4) He would have switched us back to English. Now millions of school children will compulsorily read his memoirs which by now has replaced “Interlok” as our officially doctored national text! What else ! Millions will also score a doctored “A” in this subject - a requirement for entry into our local universities. Meanwhile this flip-flopping between BM and English will help us understand with unsurpassed clarity the double talk of our politicians. Sampler : “I say man. Why you no undi me? You already take my money which I also first first take from you. If you ta’ vote me bruder, you mampus you know! “.

5) He would have pushed us hard (pun not intended) to achieve a population of 70 millions. This so that we can buy or use national cars, national buses, national motorcycles, national bicycles, national yachts, national trains, national ships, national planes, national laptops and a host of other ‘national gadgets and appliances’. Perhaps even national hand phones.  By now all Matsushita plants have been relocated to Vietnam and elsewhere. We will be staying in shoddy crony built national homes (notice we are getting there now....). Meanwhile the national car power window problem persists and manhole covers still cannot sit flush and level  with the road nationwide!

6) On account of such policies there is widespread opposition to his rule. From time to time he hands over power temporarily to the IGP. The IGP in turn launches in succession “Ops Rumput”, “Ops Belukar”, “Ops Semak” and “Ops Hutan”. The deforestration of the land is nearly complete. Even the tough lallang grass is hard to find. Green NGOs across the globe raise a stink. The Doctor goes on national TV and says he will safeguard the independence of the country at all costs. Meanwhile a few thousand citizens languish in Kamunting  under ISA. It includes a few bloggers, standup comedians, satirists and cartoonists. All ‘anti- national elements funded by foreign parties jealous of our success’. Huh!

On account of these events and changes, the Doctor would declare that “Vision 2020” be pushed back to 2040. Henceforth the national vision will be officially called :”ADJUSTED VISION 2040”!
We must all be thankful that he spent the last 8 years in semi-retirement writing up his version of his history ! Enough is enough!



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