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Monday, February 14, 2011

THOU SHALL NOT LEAK IN VAIN

 Howl Pillai

All you guys out there, who have been castigated in the past by your wife, spouse,lover,boss or friend for indulging in ‘pointless beer talk’,’endless tepi jalan discussions’ or ‘baseless cakap kedai kopi sessions’ - TAKE HEART !

It appears that over the years and for a very long time now, you (yes, humble you and that includes me!) have actually been talking our heads off  like diplomats, politicians and world leaders while having our beers in various states of inebriation. Would you believe that ? We actually were ! Surely we must arrive at this conclusion on the basis of the recent release of secret diplomatic cables by the oddly appropriate and biblical sounding Revelations: Wikileaks. What is even more clear is that bow ties and pin stripped suites notwithstanding, diplomats, politicians, world leaders and even that odd category with a global membership of one, Minister Mentor express ill-informed, biased, nonsensical and self-serving opinions in a language that is patently mean, vicious, ungracious, uncouth and arrogant. It begs the question :If they cannot outdo us at the local long bar, can we entrust this crass lot with the task of making the world a better place ?

So we now walk with a jaunt, feeling both exonerated and exuberant.  Indeed we are a better lot   than this bunch of goons! They have exhibited neither fairness nor fairplay. Or shown wit and wisdom. On the other hand we vouch unabashedly that our beer talk has exceeded by far the quality and contents of the wikileaked diplomatic cables in relation to subject matter, topicality,analysis, arguments for and against, levelheadedness, overall quality of discussion  and for wit and wisdom as well ! We have not had the advantage of travel at the State’s expense. But we have every faith that our view of the world from the vantage point of the long bar is unsurpassed. Ask the barman, if you will !

And yet there is also disappointment. Sadness even. What we deride most as revealed in these leaks is the lack of goodwill, cheer and entertainment. A diplomat said this of President Theodor Roosevelt some one hundred years ago :”If he could, he would want to be the bridegroom at every wedding and the corpse at every funeral “. At least this is entertaining. Compare this with crap that “so and so is tubby tucker and he likes prancing around stadiums”  or words to this effect. This is not our idea of a leader who is composed or compos mentis. There are still many such clowns around seemingly leading the world to a better place. It therefore should not surprise anyone if the next release of wikileaks includes the following samplers:

“At least I am not simian looking “
(Kim Jong-Il on Lee kuan Yew)                                              

“Julia in profile looks like a stork ready to strike for fish in murky waters”
(Kevin Rudd on Julia Gillard)

“Bapa borek, anak rintek”
(Najib on Hsien Loong)

“The bigger the father the lesser the son. I know”
(Hsien Loong on Najib)

“I think he is a Chinaman in ill-fitting and tight Thai costume”
(Goh Chok Tong on Takshin Shinawatra)

“In his youth he was shown the back door in Singapore. He has spent a lifetime now showing others the front door”
(Lee Kuan Yew on Mahathir)

“Well, he had ambitions of being PM of Malaysia. He is still upset that he is only the Mayor of a city”
(Mahathir on Lee Kuan Yew )

“Why me ? I am only a small fish. What about the big sharks?”
(Toyo on being charged)

“This place ain’t big enough for two sharks”
(Najib on Toyo’s complaint)

“ Whatever happens don’t let the Chinese buy the Ascot. We don’t want them putting up signs that say ‘ Ings And Dogs Not Allowed’
(Cameron on China)


All said we will give away a million beers to know what else politicians say  privately and in good taste about their electorate and fellow citizens. What do they say about their political bedfellows? What does the current Prime Minister or President think of his predecessor ? Does Berlusconi brainstorm the state of the Italian economy in brothels? There are , you will easily notice a thousand reasons to drink beer with friends and indulge in diplomatic talk  and take leaks all night. The next time someone who has gone to high places makes a point in high falutin language, just tell them to cut out the crap and give it to you in straight forward diplomatic cables language ala wikileaks. As for me: “Barman, one more beer for me. I feel a great release “

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